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Sesquipedalian #11
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To: ling-local
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Subject: Sesquipedalian #11
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From: Kyle Wohlmut <kyle>
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Date: Thu, 14 Dec 1995 13:37:29 -0800 (PST)
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Cc: gopher-quip
the SESQUIPEDALIAN Volume VI, No. 11
\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/
Halcyon Days begin December 14, 1995
***** LATE BREAKING NEWS ******
DATELINE: NORTH POLE
--NP WIRE SERVICE BULLETIN:
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take
the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of
concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other
restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North
Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home
shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's
market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion
of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a
late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved
productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard
Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no
discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen
airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been
cited and received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be
disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole.
Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak
that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance
abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did
pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of
Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is
known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the
North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.
Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take
place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to
be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging
plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not
be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French Hens have been suspended until such time as France
discontinues nuclear testing in the South Pacific.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system,
with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who
the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks
appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg
per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three
geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by
personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets
will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on
order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes
and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being
sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no
upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to
try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will
be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the
steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the
expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation
Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the
savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed
congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of
the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a
cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will
drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that
stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop
shipment in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing")
action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be
necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the
Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to
see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
-/-\-/ LOOK WHO'S TALKING /-\-/-
-- ARMENIAN CLASS: Armenian may be offered by the Special Language
Program next quarter. If interested, please contact SLP at
415/723-3636.
-\-/-\ FELLOWSHIPS/ASSISTANTSHIPS \-/-\-
-- University of Pittsburgh African-American Postdoctoral Fellowships
1996-97. Sponsor: University of Pittsburgh
Purpose: To enhance diversity of its faculty as well as of the national
faculty pool
Eligibility:
*African-American
*received degree before September 1st of fellowship year
*received degree in one of the following: Anthro, Bio Sci, Chem,
Communication, Computer Science, Econ, English, Geology and Planetary
Science, History, Math, Statistics, Physics, Astronomy, Poli Sci, Psych
*preference to those who show promise for tenure track appts that might
become available at Univ of Pittsburgh
Terms:
*1995-96 salary was $30,000 for 12 months. 1996-97 TBA
*health insurance
*$2500 travel and related research costs
*residency for duration of appointment
*teach one course
*up to 2 years of support
For application information, please direct queries to:
African-American Postdoctoral Fellowships
FAS Dean's Office
University of Pittsburgh
917 Cathedral of Learning
Pittsburgh, PA 15260-6109
412/624-6090 or FAX 412/624-6089
Deadline: March 1, 1996
-- Carolina Minority Postdoctoral Scholars Program. Sponsor:
University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill. To develop minority
scholars for possible tenure track appointments at UNC.
Eligibility:
*Minority student
*completed doctoral degree no later than 7/1/96 or within the last 4 years
*preference to U.S. citizens/perm residents
Terms:
*$32,500 per calendar year
*some funds available for research expenses
*all disciplines welcomed
*full-time research; may teach only one course per year
Deadline: February 1, 1996
For application information, contact:
Carolina Minority Postdoctoral Scholars Program
Office of the Vice Chancellor for Graduate Studies and Research
CB# 4000, South Bldg.
University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
Chapel Hill, NC 27599-4000
phone: 919/962-1319
-- FELLOWSHIPS IN JAPAN: The Dean's Office has received a brochure
entitled "1996 Summer Programs in Japan", jointly sponsored by the
NSF, the NIH, and the USDA. There are two programs, a Summer
Institute in Japan for U. S. Graduate Students in Science and
Engineering, and the Monbusho Summer Program for Young Foreign
Researchers. If you want a copy, please e-mail your name and mailing
address to Dennis Dunham, cr.drd@forsythe.
-\-/-\ CALL FOR PAPERS \-/-\-
-- WoLLIC-96: 3rd Workshop on Logic, Language, Information and
Computation, May 8-10, 1996, Salvador (Bahia), Brazil. The `3rd
Workshop on Logic, Language, Information and Computation' (WoLLIC'96)
will be held in Salvador, Bahia (Brazil), from the 8th to the 10th May
1996. Contributions are invited in the form of two-page (600 words)
abstract in all areas related to logic, language, information and
computation, including: pure logical systems, proof theory, model
theory, type theory, category theory, constructive mathematics, lambda
and combinatorial calculi, program logic and program semantics,
nonclassical logics, nonmonotonic logic, logic and language, discourse
representation, logic and artificial intelligence, automated
deduction, foundations of logic programming, logic and computation,
and logic engineering. WoLLIC'96 is part of a larger biennial event
in computer science being held in the campus of the Federal University
of Bahia from the 6th to the 10th of May 1996: the `6th SEMINFO' (6th
Informatics Week). The 6th SEMINFO will involve parallel sessions,
tutorials, mini-courses, as well as the XI Brazilian Conference on
Mathematical Logic (EBL'96), and a Workshop on Distributed Systems
(WoSiD'96). Two-page abstracts, preferably by e-mail to ***
wollic96@di.ufpe.br *** must be RECEIVED by MARCH 8th, 1996 by the
Chair of the Organising Committee. Authors will be notified of
acceptance by April 8th, 1996. The 3rd WoLLIC'96 is under the
official auspices of the Interest Group in Pure and Applied Logics
(IGPL) and The European Association for Logic, Language and
Information (FoLLI). Abstracts will be published in the Journal of
the IGPL (ISSN 0945-9103) as part of the meeting report. Selected
contributed papers will be invited for submission (in full version) to
a special issue of the Journal.
For further information, contact the Chair of Organising Committee:
R. de Queiroz, Departamento de Informatica, Universidade Federal de Pernambuco
(UFPE) em Recife, Caixa Postal 7851, Recife, PE 50732-970, Brazil,
e-mail: ruy@di.ufpe.br, tel.: +55 81 271 8430, fax: +55 81 271 8438.
(Co-Chair: T. Pequeno, LIA, UFC, tarcisio@lia.ufc.br, fax +55 85 288 9845)
Web homepage: http://www.di.ufpe.br/simposios/wollic.html
-- FIFTH WORLD HINDI CONFERENCE: March 28-April 1, 1996, Trinidad &
Tobago. The medium of the conference will be both Hindi and English,
with simultaneous sessions in both. If you wish to apply for
presenting a paper, please send your abstract in English or Hindi in
about 300 words on A4 or 8.5x11" paper. Give personal details on
plain paper including address, phone and fax numbers.
Hindi Foundation of Trinidad and Tobago, Inc.
123 Eastern Main Road,
St. Augustine, Trinidad.
phone: 809/662-2159
fax: 809/645-1540
-/-\-/ TRUE LINGUISTICS /-\-/-
-- CAKES AND ALE: Here is a true story someone found regarding exams
at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day
a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him
Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you
bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year
old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in
effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation
from the Latin):
"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and
Ale".
Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the
student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping
away.
Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing
a sword to the examination.
[contributed by Sylvia Tieber]
-\-/-\ JOB ANNOUNCEMENTS \-/-\-
(REDUNDANCY NOTICE: For fuller listings of these and other jobs, don't
forget to check the Jobs binder in the Greenberg Room, and the file
'jobslist.txt' on the CSLI directory /user/linguistics.)
-- UC SAN DIEGO: Subject to availability of funds, the Department of
Linguistics at the University of California, San Diego, will have a
tenure-track or tenured opening beginning September, 1996. The
position is potentially open-rank, but may be limited to the Assistant
Professor level. We seek a specialist in cognitive/functional
linguistics. Desireable qualifications include a strong language
background, breadth of interests, and familiarity with multiple
frameworks. Salary is based on University of California pay scales.
A letter of application, CV, the names and addresses of three
referees, and one representative publication should be sent to
University of California, San Diego
Cognitive Search Committee
Department of Linguistics, 0108
9500 Gilman Drive
La Jolla CA 92093-0108
Application materials must be received by February 15, 1996. EOE/AA
(REDUNDANCY NOTICE: For fuller listings of these and other jobs, don't
forget to check the Jobs binder in the Greenberg Room, and the file
'jobslist.txt' on the CSLI directory /user/linguistics.)
-/-\-/ INSTA-PRIZE /-\-/-
-- S.R.A.T. (Self-Referential Aptitude Test) by Jim Propp. Highest
score wins this week's insta-prize.
1. The first question whose answer is B is question
(A) 1
(B) 2
(C) 3
(D) 4
(E) 5
2. The only two consecutive questions with identical answers are questions
(A) 6 and 7
(B) 7 and 8
(C) 8 and 9
(D) 9 and 10
(E) 10 and 11
3. The number of questions with the answer E is
(A) 0
(B) 1
(C) 2
(D) 3
(E) 4
4. The number of questions with the answer A is
(A) 4
(B) 5
(C) 6
(D) 7
(E) 8
5. The answer to this question is the same as the answer to question
(A) 1
(B) 2
(C) 3
(D) 4
(E) 5
6. The answer to question 17 is
(A) C
(B) D
(C) E
(D) none of the above
(E) all of the above
7. Alphabetically, the answer to this question and the answer to
the following question are
(A) 4 apart
(B) 3 apart
(C) 2 apart
(D) 1 apart
(E) the same
8. The number of questions whose answers are vowels is
(A) 4
(B) 5
(C) 6
(D) 7
(E) 8
9. The next question with the same answer as this one is question
(A) 10
(B) 11
(C) 12
(D) 13
(E) 14
10. The answer to question 16 is
(A) D
(B) A
(C) E
(D) B
(E) C
11. The number of questions preceding this one with the answer B is
(A) 0
(B) 1
(C) 2
(D) 3
(E) 4
12. The number of questions whose answer is a consonant is
(A) an even number
(B) an odd number
(C) a perfect square
(D) a prime
(E) divisible by 5
13. The only odd-numbered problem with answer A is
(A) 9
(B) 11
(C) 13
(D) 15
(E) 17
14. The number of questions with answer D is
(A) 6
(B) 7
(C) 8
(D) 9
(E) 10
15. The answer to question 12 is
(A) A
(B) B
(C) C
(D) D
(E) E
16. The answer to question 10 is
(A) D
(B) C
(C) B
(D) A
(E) E
17. The answer to question 6 is
(A) C
(B) D
(C) E
(D) none of the above
(E) all of the above
18. The number of questions with answer A equals the number of
questions with answer
(A) B
(B) C
(C) D
(D) E
(E) none of the above
19. The answer to this question is:
(A) A
(B) B
(C) C
(D) D
(E) E
20. Standardized test : intelligence :: barometer :
(A) temperature (only)
(B) wind-velocity (only)
(C) latitude (only)
(D) longitude (only)
(E) all of the above
/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\
-\-/-\ CONSERVE DISK SPACE \-/-\-
So you may delete your copy after you've read it (or better yet,
before you've read it), the Sesquipedalian Weekly Herald is stored
online at Stanford (in directory /user/linguistics/Sesquip/), and at
Berkeley (in the directory /usr/pub.), or on the Linguistics
Department home page (http://www-linguistics.stanford.edu/). The most
current issue of the Herald can be found by typing 'help quip'.
Neither Stanford University nor the Linguistics Department, nor any of
their employees, makes any warranty, whatsoever, implied, or assumes
any legal liability or responsibility regarding any information,
disclosed, in this publication, or represents that its use would not
infringe privately owned rights. No specific reference constitutes or
implies endorsement, recommendation, or favoring by Stanford
University or the Linguistics Department, or their employees. Any
similarity to actual linguists, living or dead, is purely
coincidental. The views and opinions expressed herein do not
necessarily reflect those of Stanford University or the Linguistics
Department, or their employees, and shall not be used for advertising
or product endorsement purposes.
No user-serviceable parts inside
\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/