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Sesquipedalian #3, October 14, 1993

The SESQUIPEDALIAN WEEKLY HERALD		       Volume IV, Number 3
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                                                       October 14, 1993

			   COURTROOM DRAMA

Most language is spoken language, and most words, once uttered, vanish
forever.  Not so with language spoken during courtroom trials, for
there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take
down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.  Mary
L. Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter,
has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two
books: 'Humor in the Court' (1977) and 'More Humor in the Court
(1993).  From Mrs Gilman's two volumes, here are some select
transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:

Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
A: Borofkin.
Q: What's his first name?
A: I can't remember.
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his
   first name?
A: No, I tell you, I'm too excited. (Rises from witness chair and
   points to Mr. Borofkin) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your
   first name!
-/-/-
Q: Now Mrs Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
/-/-/
Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
-/-/-
Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine McDowell.
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair.
/-/-/
Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?
A: My ex-widow.
-/-/-
Q: Mrs Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A: I should be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
A: Four times.
/-/-/
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people.
A: All of my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
-/-/-
Q: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?
/-/-/
Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A: Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
-/-/-
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.
/-/-/
Q: Mrs Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
   notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No.  This is how I always dress for work.
-/-/-
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
           information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
/-/-/
Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.
-/-/-
Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
   able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
   go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
   him to the station?
/-/-/
Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral.  Ok?
   What school do you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old are you?
A: Oral.

			-\-\-\ ERRATA /-/-/-

-- In the recent announcement about Fellowships in International
Studies for 1994-95, from the Institute for International Studies, the
application deadline was misreported.  The deadline for grants in
Japanese Studies, and for grants in Canadian studies, is Monday, March
14, 1994.

                    -\-\-\ CALL FOR PAPERS /-/-/-

-- QUALICO-94: Second International Conference on Quantitative
Linguistics (Moscow, Russia, September 20(Tue)-24(Sat), 1994).  The
Permanent International Qualico Committee invites the submission of
papers and participation in this conference, which will be organized
by Moscow State University in cooperation with the University of Trier.
TOPICS OF INTEREST: Papers are invited on substantial, original, and
unpublished research on all aspects of Quantitative Linguistics,
including, but not limited to, the following.  1) Observations and
descriptions of all aspects of language and text phenomena, including
the areas of psycholinguistics, sociolinguistics, linguistic typology,
stylistics, etc.  as far as they use quantitative mathematical methods
(probability theory, stochastic processes, differential and difference
equations, fuzzy logics and set theory, function theory etc.), on all
levels of linguistic analysis.  2) Applications of methods, models, or
findings from quantitative linguistics to problems of natural language
processing, machine translation, language teaching, documentation and
information retrieval - especially in the form of automated systems of
different kinds (automated systems for scientific research, expert
systems, electronic dictionaries, parsing systems, controlled large
text corpora etc.).  3) Methodological problems of linguistic
measurement, model construction, sampling and test theory.  4)
Epistemological issues such as explanation of language and text
phenomena, contributions to theory construction, systems theory,
philosophy of science.  REQUIREMENTS FOR SUBMISSION: Papers should be
either topical papers (maximum six pages in final format) or project
notes with demonstration (maximum four pages), preferably in English.
Both should describe original work.The project note should specify the
computer platform that will be used. They should emphasize completed
work rather than intended work, and they should indicate clearly the
state of completion of the reported results.  A paper accepted for
presentation at the QUALICO-94 Conference cannot be presented at
another conference.  FORMAT FOR SUBMISSION: Authors should submit four
copies of preliminary versions of their papers with the page limits
above, on A4 paper with the title, author(s), addresses (including
e-mail if possible), affiliation across the page top, a short (five
line) summary, the words: topical paper or project note, and a
specification of the topic area.  As well, authors are strongly urged
to email the title page information by the deadline date. Send the
papers and emails to the chairman of the program committee:
                 Reinhard Koehler
                 University of Trier, Department of Computational
                 Linguistics, D-54286 Trier, Germany
                 Tel.: +49 651  201-2270 (or 2271)
		 Fax.: +49 651  201-3946
                 E-mail.: koehler@ldv01.Uni-Trier.de
IMPORTANT DATES:
      Preliminary paper submission due:   31 January, 1994
      Acceptance notification:            15 May, 1994
      Camera-ready copies due:            20 August, 1994
Anyone wishing to arrange an exhibit or present a demonstration should
send a brief description, together with a specification of physical
requirements (space, power, telephone connections, tables, etc.) to
Ana- toliy A.Polikarpov and Reinhard Koehler.

-- The 8th Annual Graduate Irish Studies Conference (University of
Texas, Austin, March 25-27, 1994): "Remapping The Borders: Irish
Cultural Studies in the 1990s."  Keynote Speakers: Elizabeth
Butler-Cullingford, Barbara Harlow, Rita Ann Higgins, David Lloyd, and
Bill Rolston.  Austin-Belfast Community Sponsered Mural Project.
Proposed Panels and Areas of Interest: Nationalisms, Ethnicities and
Class Affiliations * Ireland, Hunger and Famine * The Irish Language
and Sociolinguistics * Ireland in Postcolonial Studies * National and
Sexual Identities * Film and Cinematic Representations * Parades,
Pageants and Holidays * Censorship and Human Rights * Irish Music and
Folklore * Ireland in the First, Third and Fourth Worlds *
Colonialism, Union and Partition * Irish Drama and the Politics of
Representation * Literatures and Histories of the North and South *
Ireland in the Middle Ages * Environmental Concerns * Conflict Studies
* Women's Studies * Industrialism and Economics * The Politics of
Religion * and others.  Submit a one page abstract by Nov. 1, 1993 to
	Kathleen Kane and Rachel Jennings
	Parlin 108, Department of English
	Austin, Tx. 78712 
	email: bret@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu

-- BERKELEY WOMEN AND LANGUAGE CONFERENCE: 'Communication in, through,
and across cultures' (April 8-10, 1994, Berkeley Conference Center).
The notion of culture has always been a central site of research and
discussion in the study of women's language.  For over a decade,
scholars within linguistics have debated the merits of the claim that
speech differences between women and men are a consequence of
different cultural backgrounds.  Anthropologists, meanwhile, have
reminded us that most research has focused upon women in
late-capitalist societies, and that the linguistic experience of women
in Africa, Asia, Latin America, the Caribbean, and indigenous cultures
should not be subsumed within a monolithic account of language and
gender.  Finally, identity politics as it has emerged from the
multiculturalism of the present-day United States introduces into our
theoretical constructs the issues of race, ethnicity, class, sexual
orientation, and gender identity, as well as other more situationally
based factors.  We encourage papers that engage with these
perspectives in innovative ways, whether through contrastive analysis,
exploration of understudied cultural factors, or treatment of how
various levels or factors interact.  We particularly seek to provide a
forum for those that have been marginalized in the academy.  Our goal
is not to reconcile the often conflicting accounts of culture and
women's language that have been produced, but to open up discussion in
challenging new directions.  Papers delivered at the conference will
be published in the Proceedings of the 1994 Berkeley Women and
Language Conference.  We may also publish selected papers with a major
publisher.  To submit an abstract, send six copies of an anonymous
500-word proposal (one page, unreduced) to the address below, along
with one copy of a 150-word abbreviation of this proposal for
publication in the conference journal.  The deadline for abstracts is
December 15, 1993.  Abstracts should be accompanied by a single 3x5
card with the title of the paper, the author's name, affiliation, and
phone, e-mail and street addresses at which the author wishes to
receive notification in late January 1994.  Please send to
	Berkeley Women and Language Group
	2337 Dwinelle Hall
	University of California
	Berkeley CA 94720
	phone: 510/642-2757
	email: bwlg@garnet.berkeley.edu
	fax: 510/643-5688
SPECIAL PANEL: 'Gender and Genre.'  A discussion between women science
fiction writers and women mystery writers on questions of literary
convention and gender.  Science fiction abounds in invented languages
and new terms for invented cultures.  What problems do they draw
attention to?  What resolutions do they offer?  Do women mystery
writers have the same freedom of innovation as male authors?  With
Dorothy Bryant, Mary Wings,  and Anna Livia.

		 -\-\-\ LINGUISTICS COLLOQUIUM /-/-/-

Surprise!  There is no regular linguistics colloquium this week.
There is a special colloquium at a special time TODAY at 4.15 with
Susumo Kuno (Harvard University) as the featured speaker, presenting
'Negation, Extraction, and Deletion in Japanese.' (Details and
abstract announced last week.)

		-\-\-\ FELLOWSHIPS/ASSISTANTSHIPS /-/-/-

-- SEANRC: Applications for the annual Stanford East Asian Collection
Travel Grants are now being accepted.  Five awards of $500 each will
be granted to the five best qualified candidates.  Completed
applications must be submitted to the Stanford East Asia National
Resource Center postmarked by January 15, 1994.  Notification of
awards will be made approximately one month later.  Expenses must be
incurred by August 14, 1994.  Purpose of the grant: to assist junior
faculty who are normally not in easy reach of research facilities.
The awards are intended to defray travel and maintenance expenses for
short stays while research at Stanford is in progress.  Awards will be
made on the basis of the quality of the research project, the
appropriateness of the East Asian Collection to the research, and the
applicants need of support in derms of distance from and availability
of library resources.  Applicants must be US citizens or permanent
residents, and be junior faculty (graduate students will be considered
only in exceptional cases).  An application should consist of a short
description of the research project, an explanation of the need for
using Stanford's East Asian Collection to conduct the research, an
estimate of anticipated expenses, and a CV.  Please send the materials to
	Stanford East Asia National Resource Center
	Director: Susan Matisoff
	Room 14, Littlefield Center
	Stanford University
	Stanford CA 94305-5013

-- STANFORD FLAS: Applications are available now for Foreign Language
and Area Studies at Stanford.  FLAS fellowships provide tuition and a
stipend to students undergoing advanced training in designated foreign
languages in combination with either area studies, international
studies, or international aspects of professional studies.  These
languages include Sub-Saharan African languages, Chinese, Japanese,
Korean, Portugese, and Russian, among others.  Eligibility is limited
to students enrolled in advanced degree programs at Stanford.  The
deadline for academic year 1994-95 FLAS applications is January 14,
1994.  For more information and an application, please contact
	Suzanne Orcutt, Grant Administrator
	Room 14, Littlefield Center
	Stanford University
	Stanford CA 94305-5013
	phone: 415/723-2178

	      	    -\-\-\ WORD OF THE WEEK /-/-/-

We couldn't find an interesting word this week, but thought you would
all be fascinated to know that today is National Chocolate Covered
Insect Day.  Believe it... or not!

		     -\-\-\ TRUE LINGUISTS /-/-/-

Bet you didn't know that Mark Twain was a linguist too! --Eds.

         A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling:
        For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
be part of the alphabet.  The only kase in which "c" would be retained
would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.  Year 2
might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
        Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
        Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

		   -\-\-\ JOB ANNOUNCEMENTS /-/-/-

(REDUNDANCY NOTICE: For fuller listings of these and other jobs, don't
forget to check the Jobs binder in the Greenberg Room, and the file
'jobslist.txt' on the CSLI directory /user/linguistics.)

-- NATIONAL TAIWAN UNIVERSITY: The graduate program in linguistics at
National Taiwan University is inviting applications for two positions
in (1) Formosan Austronesian linguistics; (2) cognitive linguistics or
neurolinguistics with special emphasis on the Chinese language.  These
two positions are to begin in the fall of 1994, and ranks are open.
Candidates must have a Ph.D. in linguistics or cognitive science, with
practical teaching experience.  Please sendy your application by
December 31, 1993, including CV, copy of Ph.D. certificate, three
letters of recommendation, and representative publications within the
last three years, to
	Dr. Yaofu Lin, Chair
	Search Committee, College of Liberal Arts
	National Taiwan University
	1 Roosevelt Road, Section 4
	Taipei, TAIWAN R.O.C. 10764
	phone: 02/363-5554
	fax: 02/363-8818

(REDUNDANCY NOTICE: For fuller listings of these and other jobs, don't
forget to check the Jobs binder in the Greenberg Room, and the file
'jobslist.txt' on the CSLI directory /user/linguistics.)

		      -\-\-\ INSTA-PRIZE /-/-/-

The editors are watching the clock, so here's a timely question for
this week's insta-prize.  Hands on keyboards!  Speed will be essential
on this terribly easy question:

A clock takes five seconds to strike six o'clock.  How long does it
take to strike twelve o'clock?


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  		   -\-\-\ CONSERVE DISK SPACE /-/-/-

So you may delete your copy after you've read it (or better yet,
before you've read it), the Sesquipedalian Weekly Herald is stored
online both at Stanford (in directory /user/linguistics/Sesquip), and
at Berkeley (in the directory /usr/pub.)  The most current issue of
the Herald can be found by typing 'help quip'.

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