How to be A TOTALLY EXCELLENT ULTIMATE PLAYER

Article 12277 of rec.sport.disc:
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From: rjg@dax.doe.carleton.ca (Richard Griffith)
Subject: URgod in text form.
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Organization: Carleton University, Department of Electronics
Date: Mon, 12 Dec 94 07:57:40 PDT
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How to be A TOTALLY EXCELLENT ULTIMATE PLAYER

• Make smart cuts. The key here is to clog, clog, clog! This is the only sure fire way to get the disc. By cutting off the cuts from your other teammates, the person with the disc has no choice but to throw it to you. Don't worry if you don't get it on your first cut. Keep making sleazy clog-cuts until you do get it.
• Never sub out. Well, obviously.
• Maintain a positive mental attitude. This is simply done by being positive that your team will win, being positive that all your calls are right and that all of the other team's calls are wrong (note that sometimes your teammates will make the wrong call. If this happens make the call for them and advise them that they are wrong), and being postive that you are a most excellent ultimate player. If for some reason you lose the, alternate to an attitude of being positivley mental.
• Make the right call. If you asr the player with the best perspective on a play, it's your call. If you are involved in the play, it's your call. If you are away from the play, but no decision is made, it's your call. If you are away from the field in a porta-john, it's your call. Don't let anyone deny you of this right.
• Choose you passes carefully. After you get the disc, throw a few fakes, then pose and gaze end=zoneward. Take your time and wait for just the right pass. This may take blowing off two or three cuts first. If the count gets high, huck it and call foul. If a pass presents itself, throw it , then immediately make the clog cut.
• Use the right throw. Never throw a straight pass when you could throw an inside-out cross-field reverse-spin backhanded overhead. Passes like that have to be used to confuse the defense and break open the field. If your teammate can't catch whatever it was that you just threw, you have two handy can't-fail excuses: 1> "It was right there!" 2. "The count was on seven."
• Know your teammates. If a less-than-amazing player on your team gets the disc (i.e. anyone other than you), cut right to them, making sure to clog, and say "take your time!" Hover right behind them for the dump. DON't clear out. Ever.
• Know the other team. Sit on your sideline in someone else's chair and criticize every facet of their bing. By keeping the disparity between yourself and others large, a Positive Mental Attitude can be easily maintained.
• Stay visible. When you're not drinking the other team's water or relaxing in not-your-chair, position yourself directly in fron tof anyone watching the game and yell, yell, yell!!! Be sure to tell your teammates that they're cutting in the wrong direction. Cringe, scream, yell, break some blodd vessels, and generally freak out at any pass longer than 30 yards... until it is caugth. Then say "yeah!" Also make sure, when wandering up and down the sideline obstructing other views, to stay just inbounds. YOU have the right to be on the field, but of courese, no one else does.

  KEY PHRASES

  "I was open!" This is used when your teammate has just thrown the disc away. It can also be used in some circumstances when your teammate has completed a pass, but to someone other than you.

  "Call UP!" This is directed at anyone or everyone when the offensive player you are covering has just completely toasted you for a goal. By uttering this plaintive remark, the blame is obviously placed on anyone but you.

  "Oh, weak call." Use this whenever any call is made, anywhere, if you're in the mood to say it, which of course you always will be, since a Positive Mental Attitude is key to winning a game.

  "No one's cutting!" Your teammates don't have the unique perspective that you have, so of course they can't tell when they're open or not. Sure those early cuts may have looked wide open to them, but you know better.

  "I threw it to where you should have been!" It's certaunly not your fault if no one on your team knows how to cut.

  AND NEVER FORGET:

  YOU are a GOD.